Paris Squared and One Offended Dick

Well, there was no way I was going to let this story slip by. It seems our appropriately named Vice President is crying like a little bitch to Larry King that he's "offended" by Amnesty International's claims of the U.S. violating human rights and mistreating prisoners. Given our track record in this whole Iraq imbroglio, most glaringly our internationally condemned fuck-up at Abu Graib, I can't imagine why anyone would dare even suggest that U.S. soldiers would ever mistreat anyone in captivity.

"For Amnesty International to suggest that somehow the United States is a violator of human rights, I frankly just don't take them seriously," Cheney said. Did he suffer a head injury or something? Now, I don't think that the U.S. as a whole makes a habit of running roughshod over people's rights (not, at least, until this adminstration slithered into power), but Cheney cannot seriously dismiss the notion that our credibility for being a well-behaved military presence is very strained at present, if not altogether absent.

I will say this about Dick Cheney, though. Every single time I've seen him in an interview, he utterly seems to be the walking personification of his first name. He just comes across as an arrogant, nasty little man.

Apart from crying like a 4-year-old with a skinned knee, Cheney went on to predict that the Iraq war would almost certainly be over by 2009. Nice to know we can get it all wrapped up within a tidy 6 or 7 years, isn't it? And if not, well, surely we can elect Jeb Bush to go in there and continue the saga, right?

In another story that's truly just as laughable to me as ol' Dick being mortally offended and whatnot, Paris Hilton is apparently engaged. Let's put that smack on the cover of Who Cares Monthly magazine, shall we? I can see this being buried in the Entertainment section of most news outlets... really, I can. But for this to be a lead story on CNN? What has our country come to? And the guy she shanghied into proposing to her is... get this... also named Paris. A guy named Paris. Marrying a bimbo named Paris. If they go to the city of Paris, I'm sure the press will have a field day with those headlines.

And, as a little bonus addendum, on like Day 26 of the TomKat media circus, I was standing in line at the grocery store this weekend to buy a box of Lucky Charms (I had a craving, what can I say?) and there were their grinning faces staring at me from the covers of at least three magazines. I nearly groaned out loud. While I can sort of grudgingly admit that Tom Cruise is a nice-looking man, press his face up that close to Katie Holmes, who at 26 looks every bit like she's barely 21, and he just looks like her father. And Tom, who is showing more and more signs everyday of going full-fledged batshit crazy like Mel Gibson before him, is starting to babble about marriage. Marriage. To this little girl that he's been dating for less than two months. I'm sure once their respective summer blockbusters are in and out of the theater, though, this whirlwind romance will fade into obscurity.

Also, I saw the teaser trailer for the next Harry Potter film, Goblet of Fire, and I must say, it looks quite intense and good.

Bill Owens: If he were any dumber, we'd have to call him George

In what I can only surmise is an attempt to emulate his idol, George Bush, our illustrious governor, Bill Owens, has vetoed a bill passed by Colorado's Senate to enact anti-discrimination laws against gays. Even though the state itself has laws on the books prohibiting discrimination based on one's sexual orientation, Owens didn't think it was a great idea to hold private businesses to the same standard. His reasoning for rejecting the bill was that it would open the floodgates to a torrent of discrimination lawsuits. Let's look at the facts, Governor: In the past five years, about 1,000 discrimination claims have been filed by Colorado state workers, according to the State Department of Personnel. Those five years represent the time that the law prohibiting discrimination based on someone's sexual orientation has been on the books. So in those five years, and of those 1,000 claims of discrimination, how many were based on sexual orientation?

Zero.

So Owens' big speech about being concerned that adding fags to the list of what a company can't blithely discriminate against would result in an epic wave of lawsuits... well, it's just more Republican bullshit, isn't it?

Curiously enough, and this is where the title of this post comes into play, Bill Owens used this opportunity of striking down a new anti-discrimination law to speak to his flock. But not to lambaste the wicked infidel homos for their evil ways... no, he actually chastised his fellow Republicans for likening homosexuality to bestiality, declaring it an abomination, and even suggesting that pedophilia was a sexual orientation. So seeing that his fellow party members had shoved the homos to the ground, Governor Owens sort of loosely defended them, then proceeded to kick them all in the head, you know, since they were down anyway.

The hell?

House Speaker Andrew Romanoff said that he was "deeply disappointed," and that Owens had sent a pretty contradictory message to the community, saying, "[Owens] seems to be saying that it's OK to fire them, but not to kill them."

I guess victories have to be taken where they can be found, huh?

The TomKat Files: Gettin' Deeper In Here, Folks

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes. Is anyone buying this bullshit? Is Tom Cruise really this desperate to prove to everyone that he is not, in fact, gay? Good grief. Besides which, has anyone noticed that the women he dates are getting progressively younger. I figure in a couple of years, he'll be hooking up with one or both of the Olsen twins. So basically we've got a millionaire actor who's not only in denial about his sexuality, but deep in the throes of a full-on midlife crisis, as well. What's so funny to me is that it's like only Tom that's doing all the media ranting about how "in love" he is, and how happy they are together, blah blah zzzzzzzzzzzz. Katie's probably just sitting back, watching this train wreck, reading the shit that Cruise is spewing to anyone with a microphone and a laptop, stuff about her "life force" and her "élan vital" (whatever) and thinking, "Jesus, this guy is a whack job. What have I gotten myself into? Was promoting our movies really worth all this? I think I should fire my publicist."

Here's one of the more amusing articles about the much-hyped relationship, with about 92% of the hype coming from Cruise and his posse. My favorite part is the very end where Cruise just effuses, and I'm paraphrasing here, but not by much: "I love women. They smell good. Really, I love women. No, seriously, I do."

The battle rages on...

So apparently, one of those bastard federal "activist judges" in Nebraska struck down that state's Constitutional gay marriage ban. Said it was basically illegal, un-American, unconstitutional, promoted tooth decay, and a bunch of other things. It was wrong and bad, get it? Well, even though I'm still waiting for someone to tell me what an "activist judge" is (because from what I can tell, it's simply a judge who doesn't cater to the religious right's every whim), you can bet that the anti-gay crusaders are having a complete conniption fit over this.

Here's where I get confused. Why are these people so unbelievably threatened by the prospect of two homosexuals committing to each other? How on earth does this "undermine" conventional (i.e., one man, one woman) marriage? Personally, I think heterosexual men and women do a splendid job of undermining marriage all on their own. Adultery, divorce, quickie marriages, annulments, bitter custody fights... yeah. On and on. Perhaps they need to look a bit more closely at their own marriages before trying to curtail the rights of others.

So this coming Tuesday, May 17th, will mark the one-year anniversary of gays and lesbians being able to legally wed in the state of Massachussetts. Has society in that state come grinding to a halt? Is the murder rate up? Are children being brainwashed into "turning gay"? Has the economy crumbled? The answer is a big, resounding "no." In fact, according to a Newsweek poll for their May 23rd issue, not only do 84% of voters in Massachussetts say the quality of life in that state is either better or unchanged since those damn gays started marrying each other, public support for allowing same-sex unions has actually risen over 20% (from 35% in April 2004 to 56% in April 2005).

The point is, my life is completely unaffected because a gay couple across town decides to marry. They deserve every right to happiness, as well as all the legal rights, as any straight couple. This business of objecting to gay marriage based on what people think the Bible says is crap, and totally flies in the face of separation of church and state, and indeed spits on the principles upon which this country was founded. People fled to this land specifically to escape religious intolerance and suffocating doctrine.

What these gibbering right-wing politicians who say "This should be left to the people!" just don't GET is that you can't hold a popular vote to withhold (or grant) rights to a minority group. What if there had been a nationwide vote 60-70 years ago to determine whether or not blacks could vote. Would that have ever passed? There was a time in the not-too-distant past where interracial marriages were actually illegal. What if that had been put to a popular vote? Had it been left up to the voting public in the 19th century (comprised entirely of men, mind you), women surely wouldn't have been granted their right to vote on the basis of a popular opinion poll of then-registered voters. No, the Constitution exists to protect the minority, and that these hate-mongers want to undo that key attribute and, for the first time in our country's history, write in an amendment that specifially takes rights away from a minority group -- well, that tells you all you need to know.

No, the reality is, homosexuals are the last minority that it's still semi-okay to discriminate against and ostracize. That's changing though, and in another 10-20 years' time, it won't be the case. What these religious zealots surely know is that they will ultimately lose. Gay marriage will be legal across the country, just as it is in several others, and American society will go on, unfettered.

Of Bushes and Custards

So, as a nice little addendum to my rant about the litigious nature of our society, it turns out that the jerk who found the tip of a finger in his frozen custard refused to return it to its... er... owner. Had he not been blinded by dollar signs, the finger could have been reattached. Apparently, if a severed limb or digit is reattached within about six hours, there's a good chance for reintegration. But no. Mr. Jackass Clarence Custardeater refused to return it, and took the thing home and stuck it in his freezer, thus killing the cells in the finger and eliminating any chance of reattachment. Now, he could have photographed it, got a signed affadavit from the attending doctor or surgeon regarding its reattachment, etc., and still preserved the evidence for his big upcoming lawsuit. But he figured his potential jackpot was more important that this poor person's finger being reattached to his hand.

This article says that public opinion is turning very much against the customer. A North Carolina newspaper editorial lambasted him, saying, "But it's a mystery how that customer can live with himself after he refused to return the finger so that doctors might try to reattach it. Unless he offers a better explanation for that decision, people will assume that customer Clarence Stowers cared less about another person's loss of a body part than about his chance to squeeze some bucks out of the custard stand." For my part, I truly hope that this man's selfish greed and unbridled lust for litigation will be his undoing. I can't imagine a jury awarding him a huge settlement when his assholiness cost the employee any chance of having a normal, functioning hand again. I hate people.

Random question: When did TV shows cease to become just TV shows and become "events"? Now, every radio spot for even the most mundane of weekly shows bills it (complete with deep-voiced announcer and dramatic music) as an EVENT. "Don't miss the two-hour O.C. event" or "Tonight, on an all-new Law & Order event..." Can I call bullshit here? Because this? Is total bullshit. One would be hard-pressed to find a single night in which some mutated form of Law & Order, whether first-run or repeat, doesn't air on at least one TV channel. So how is anything this show dishes out deserving of being called an event? I get my mail every day... should I call it a "mail delivery event" now?

And now, for the Bush-bashing portion of our blogging event:

Seems decimating the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge in Alaska isn't enough for Bush and his "money-before-everything" cronies. Wait... I mean "ANWR" because if we actually called it a "Wildlife Refuge," people might equate it with being a refuge and think that drilling it full of oil derricks might not be the best thing for the wildlife there. An acronym is much more detached. Anyhoo... so after polishing off the wildlife refuge up north, Bush turned his attention to the National Parks and Forests. Seems there aren't enough roads in the forests. Because, you know, without roads, you can't bring in commerce and industry.

So with one stroke of his evil pen, Bush opened up 58.5 million acres of pristine wilderness to industry, logging, etc. He overturned what USA Today called "one of the most significant land conservation measures of the Clinton presidency." Although spread over the entire nation, 97% of the affected lands are in twelve Western states (nearly 4.5 million acres are here in Colorado). Nice. I weep for the damage Bush and his administration will do with his remaining 45 months in office.

Miscellany

D'ya think CNN might could have come up with a better headline for this article?

And let's discuss this for a moment (this is about the getting-way-too-much-coverage story about the "Runaway Bride" in Georgia): Fernando Mateo -- of Hispanics Across America -- said Wilbanks' original story that she was kidnapped by a Hispanic man only adds to racial stereotyping. Mateo said he'd like to see her perform community service for a Hispanic group as part of any punishment.

Good grief. Well, as a member of the male community, I'd like to add that this only reinforces the stereotype of men as abductors, too. Can we have her perform some community service for a man group? Perhaps a lodge gathering or something, I'm sure they could come up with a service for her to perform.

Hey, the sun is shining in Denver again!

America... Land of the Lawsuits

There seem to be a lot of body parts making it into the foodstuff of our nation's eateries lately. Sometimes it's not even a hoax. But why is the immediate reaction to sue? "Ooooh, I found a tiny tip of a finger in my Monte Cristo, let's see if I can get $100,000 out of it." I mean, yes, it's gross. But come on. Have these people really suffered this much? I personally have a bit more sympathy for the person whose finger got lopped off!!

The latest entry in this parade of foolishness is some guy in North Carolina. The first line in this article says, "A man who ordered a pint of frozen chocolate custard in a dessert shop got a nasty surprise inside..." It should finish with, "and is now looking to turn it into a financial windfall for himself." It mentions in the article, to no one's surprise, that the traumatized man ("I just started screaming," he cries) is planning on contacting a lawyer. I'm sure a dozen of them are camped out in his front yard by now; he won't have to go far.

Why have we become such a litigious society? It really only serves to stifle innovation and progress. So many new things never go to market -- or go at a snail's pace -- because of the fear of lawsuits should something go wrong. And the courts don't seem to help. Everyone knows about the woman who sued McDonalds because she dropped a scalding cup of coffee in her stupid lap. And won. But quite a few years ago, a couple of men tried using a fucking lawnmower to trim their row of hedges and, naturally, fingers got removed (they each held a side of the mower up under the deck and tried to pass the thing over the bushes). Well, not only did a victorious lawsuit actually result from that (the manufacturer was clearly negligent in not putting stickers on the mower warning people to not stick their hands under the deck while the blade was spinning), but now, all mowers have those clever "kill switch" bars attached that have to be engaged for starting and running the engine.

So I guess my point is, yeah, finding a tip of a finger in your food or whatever is supremely gross, and deserves an apology and perhaps even a nominal bit of compensation. But the restaurant will clearly pay the price because their sales will plummet like a plane with no wings. Witness the recent Wendy's saga, in which the chain as a whole lost millions of dollars in sales over this "finger in the chili" hoax. Even if it had been true, why would the woman who found the offending digit be entitled to hundreds of thousands of dollars? It's just greedy and opportunistic and it's a shameful part of our culture.

In other news, I'm really starting the get the itch to upgrade to a large (probably 50" or so) widescreen high-defintion TV. I don't think I'll do this anytime in the immediate future, but potentially before the year is out. I really like the DLP sets quite a lot. They're not as sexy as plasmas, but they're reasonably priced (relatively speaking) and getting cheaper every month, and they have terrific image quality. We'll see... six months from now, it will likely be an entirely different playing field.

Another weekend... gone

It's still gloomy and cold and wet here. It's gone on for days on end, which is just supremely weird for Denver. It's either rained, snowed, or done both every day since like last Tuesday or Wednesday. If it wasn't for all the medication, I'm sure I'd be depressed.

So what about this crazy heifer in Georgia who got her whole ass-backwards state worked into a lather, and even made national news, by faking her own abduction because she was stressed out about her wedding? I guess my thought is that if you're going to be that flipped out over an impending wedding, scale it the hell back a notch! Honestly, it's statistically just as likely to end in bitter, expensive divorce in a few years anyway, so why make it such a huge production? And Gwinnett County police are actually debating whether or not to press charges. What's to debate? Volunteers crawled around in drainage ditches, wandered around in the woods all night, searched everywhere... her family and friends agonized for days, imagining the worst... police departments spent thousands of dollars conducting searches and holding press conferences. And there's even a shred of possibility that this whack job chick won't be charged with something? And yet, a school in New Mexico went into a two-hour lockdown, complete with police, over an extra-large burrito (read about that one here). There is something seriously wrong with this picture. If it wasn't for all the medication, I'm sure I'd be concerned.

Meanwhile, Bush's second term is continuing to collapse around him, much to my delight. I can't quite figure out why he's so determined to shove through this Social Security "reform" package. I guess when it became evident that he wasn't going to constitutionally outlaw gay marriage, he had to pick a new obsession. Wonder what's next on his hit list? You know, just in case trashing the economy, the environment, and the U.S. Consitititution isn't enough of a legacy for him. If it wasn't for all this medication, I'm sure I'd be outraged.