More Celebrity Shenanigans

Well, as everyone knows by now, Michael "Wanna ride my merry-go-round, little boy?" Jackson was acquitted on all ten charges brought against him. And rightfully so, from what I can tell. Whether he's truly innocent or not is another matter entirely, but from a criminal justice standpoint, I would have been seriously appalled and very surprised had they jury returned a "guilty" verdict on any of the felony counts. The prosecution's case was just too weak; the accuser's testimony too questionable. I'm really surprised the D.A. decided to prosecute, frankly. Apparently, there wasn't even a scrap of physical evidence anywhere to substantiate the claim, so at the end of the day, it was just a "he said/she said" kind of case, and from all accounts, the accuser and his mother were about the sorriest, most unbelievable kind of witnesses to ever walk into a courtroom. "Beyond a reasonable double" wasn't ever really in the cards. It was interesting how the prosecution heaped on as many charges as they possibly could, hoping at least one of them would stick. I have to agree with the lead defense attorney... just watching Michael Jackson carry on in his soft little singsong voice about butterflies and kittens and children and whatever... the guy is totally out there. I just don't think he's even capable of masterminding this conspiracy to kidnap an entire family, hold them against their will, and then arrange to ship them all off to Brazil. Even on the surface, that sounds ludicrous. Obviously, it seemed that way to the jury even beneath the surface.

The media sure had their own slant, though, didn't they? Over and over again, I kept hearing how Michael Jackson shared his bed with little boys, or slept with children, or whatever. Now, I actually watched that "Living With Michael Jackson" documentary, and what the man said was that he gave his bed to the children and he slept on the floor. He then babbled on about how it was a loving thing, and was there anything more natural and loving than to give up your bed for someone else, blah blah whatever. All while sitting there on the couch holding this 13- or 14-year-old boy's hand, which yes... was creepy as hell. But he never actually said that he slept in the bed with the boy. That one phrase was so misquoted so many times. I suppose the defense drilled home this point in court, but I always wondered why it was never pointed out in the public arena that the media were twisting what he said for the sake of salaciousness and titillation.

Don't you know Martha Stewart was sitting there watching this, thinking, "What the hell?? I should have gotten a better attorney." I mean, O.J., who is pretty much universally considered guilty as all hell, walked free. Robert Blake, with a mountain of evidence against him, similarly was acquitted on murder charges. Michael Jackson, who is about the freakiest freak who ever freaked, was given a stunning blanket acquittal. And Martha, who simply made a phone call to her stockbroker, got thrown in prison. She's gotta be pretty bitter at this point.

And making the cover of my Who Cares Monthly magazine was Paris Hilton's announcement that she planned to "retire" in two years. Well, my immediate thought was, of course, "Retire from what? Being a skank? Cluttering up the news with her non-celebrity antics?" I meant, what is this bimbo's claim to fame? Being an Internet video slut? Having a rich daddy? My second thought, after getting over the initial insulting shock of the notion of Paris Hilton actually retiring from anything was to think, "Shit, we have to wait two whole years for her to go away?"

And, Christ, can someone please get Tom Cruise's giant, toothy smile off my TV? Every freaking time I turn the thing on, there he is. Augh!

Finally, does anyone else just completely hate the snivelly little voice of that Good Times advertising guy? Just me? Okay, then.